I looked yesterday at my stats and realized that I haven't posted in almost a month and it is on my to do list every week (as well as other things). I don't have a good excuse. I wasn't jetsetting in New York and LA promoting my bestselling book. I wasn't meeting with Speilberg about movie rights. No, it is something more simple. I was just lost. The myriad of days just swirl together like a fast forward blur. Sometimes, I forget the day. Sometimes, I forget what I was thinking two seconds ago. Sometimes, I just sit in front of my computer and cannot remember what I was going to do. It is a wonder I manage to get school work done, which has been the only thing getting done. Sometimes, I feel like a kitten who gets distracted by shiny things or just random Jeopardy garbage on the internet.
I am writing about Donald Barthelme (if you don't know who he is, really check him out.) He was published in The New Yorker a lot and I was looking through the archives and then I was distracted by 1960's ads. Oh they were so, I don't know. But there went an hour down the toilet just looking at old ads.
It's the story ideas that hit me so hard. So many and then I don't write because I have no idea why. I guess I am distracted by something. However, I did manage to write a brand new story and send it to Cicada. Sometimes, I am lost in my thoughts. And of course are not linear, they swirl around like tornados. I just can't stay focused on work. I think about writing and I think about this and that. I think about what I am going to make for dinner and I then I make something else all together. It's being exhausted at some time late in the afternoon and having weird dreams that make me feel drained when I wake up. And that is why I haven't written maybe I already thought I did. Maybe I wrote the post in my head (which is something I sometimes do when I am writing in a story) and then I forget to actually write it down. So I am merrily chugging along and not really doing anything. I know it is a weird paradigm.
Okay so a little bitching now because that is what I am thinking of. Sometimes, I would like to vanish from Facebook. I find it useless. All it does is make me feel like crap because I am ignored a lot. So what is the sense of being on there? I don't really think anyone would notice if I was gone except for two people. I could just quietly go into the night and just vanish off there. I know I am not supposed to let that shit bother me but I can't help that it does, it must be hardwired into my brain or something. I sometimes wonder, what if I did become famous, would I matter more? What if I got sick, would I matter more (and if I did get sick and started mattering more that would piss me off more than anything because a person shouldn't be sick and cared about more because to me it is just too late, just my opinion though).
Even my page for my Etsy store is ignored. No one likes anything or leaves a comment. No one does anything. I tried so many of the so called helpful things on the internet and nothing is working. It's almost as if I am there but I am really not there at the same. Sort of like a ghost.
Okay, I will try not to be gone so long next time but I can't make any promises. I am hoping some clarity returns soon. Till next time....
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