Saturday, April 13, 2013

Finding Writing

Oh I know, I am getting even worse at posting. In fact all my writing has been coming to a screeching halt. Why? I am sitting right here just trying to figure it out. The thing is I want to write at least some everyday but I don't. My head bursts with ideas but then I find myself doing something else. I used to revel in my chaos but it has become my worst enemy. I am not one for schedules or daily times of anything. I tried that before but that doesn't work for me.  But when I sit down with the full intention of writing, I do and I produce a lot of words.

Last week, I started working on that new story for odesk and I spent a couple of hours writing and wrote 3000 words. The last time I wrote Suburban Vampires I wrote the entire chapter in about an hour. The chapter reached a little over 2000 words, which is my goal for each chapter. Anyway, I can write fast when I want to anyway.

When I first got unemployed, I was writing like a fiend. This was the most opportune time to write without worrying about having a job since I was getting unemployment. And I am not spending my time writing. Or when I am writing, I spend very little time writing. 

One theory I have is I am holding myself back. Those old feelings of not good enough keep popping up. When I was younger, writing stories and poems came so simply to me. Now it is hard as hell to write things. Maybe I am setting standards that I should be like this writer or that writer. That joy of writing seems to be fleeting once again and I am not sure why. As much as I try to push back those thoughts they keep coming back. I know one thing being a writer is to have thick skin.

Sometimes, I tell myself, the world is not ready for me and my writing. Maybe I am still searching for my voice because sometimes, I have a voice and other times my work is missing something. I tried planning out stories but that only works for certain types of work now I am back to writing on the seat of my pants which seems to be better.

Maybe, I am just going about everything wrong... or maybe I am not. So many other writers write about writing. This one outlines (which I really like and hate at the same time). This one doesn't. This magazine tells you to do this. This one wants literary fiction but what the hell is literary fiction. This one wants horror but what is horror anymore. I get frustrated about my work because I don't how to label it so I don't know where to send it. It is so easy to post stories on here because of course I will post my own work.

I gave up following most guidelines for magazines except for formatting. I don't know where  to send stuff to and I get a lot rejects. I have been sending the same batch of poems out and I don't read the magazines because they don't help me out. I don't want to keep self-publishing all the time because I want someone else to tell me my work is good enough to sell.

Right about now I want to rip up paper with my teeth and spit it out.

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